J.Bils

I should have worked out this morning before I showered. Or maybe I should just say fuck it and work out now. 

It’s actually crazy how much working out can improve your mood. Im being such a suck. Im shite at life. Boys are shite at life. I like the wrong boys at all the worst times. I wish it were easy.. Just falls into my lap and makes me forget any heartache from my past. 

Im sad today. I should have fucking worked out. 

Seriously, I hate you so much right now Charlie. I wish this is how I felt everyday so I could just forget you and move the fuck on.
Remember this when you think about me: All those good times you had in Bourke, all those friends you made - YOU MADE THEM BECAUSE OF ME. Your a wanker. 

I spent most of this day being sad. Sad about something I will never ever get back. I cant stop myself, I cant even try to be happy. I just want to leave and never come back. fuck this life.

I can’t even pretend that I am happy that 2012 has come to a close. Because I’d be happier if the world had come to an end.
I am obviously not supposed to be on this planet, or life wouldt be so shit, so often.
I miss Charlie.

Being home is so strange. It actually feels so uncanny, as though I had never really left at all. A huge chunk of my life was spent in a completely different place, and yet I fell back into the same place I was before, so quickly and seamlessly. Its almost terrifying.
I am enjoying being home though, and I have a job that starts next week! Whoo hoo for me! I am even more happy that it is only a temporary position, so I don’t have to commit to anything for too long, too quickly. It’s funny, that sentence.

‘…so I don’t have to commit to anything for too long, too quickly.’

What?! I commit to men so quickly, and for far too long. Look at how long I stayed with Conor, and Charlie. And how long I spent in those relationships even though both parties knew they weren’t right. I would give anything for them, and I can’t commit to a job? What is wrong with me. I thought I was strong and independent, and career minded. 

Nope. Just a lonely soul, attaching herself to anyone and anything convenient.

Regardless, I may go to Europe after my 6 month contract. I think its legit. Hopefully I can pay my parents out for everything I owe them, along with my credit card, and still save enough money. I’m sure I can.

On top of that though, my goal is to get fit by the end of my 6 months here. I can’t go to Europe fat. I just can not spend another trip wishing I had more energy, or ability to do everything ever.  

I can live my life, exactly the way I want it. I know I can. 

You suck, boy. You really do. I’m sure to you, that I suck too. But I honestly think your inability to communicate makes you the ultimate winner of suck.
I wish life was easier for everyone ever.

Sometimes you have to make big mistakes to realise what you really did wrong.

I wish I could take it all back and start over again. And if you would only give me that chance, I know I would be able to.

But alas, that seems it will never happen, and therefore there will be no more tripofalltrips. The end of a chapter.

Thinking about going home is actually torture. I don’t want a real job where I am locked into a position. Especially if it means a family members got me that job. I actually cant stand the idea of that. 
What if I cant travel again? What if my life is boring and monotonous? I already have so many worries and problems and emotional breakdowns. 
Like what about Charlie & I? I cant decide if I am being an emotional freak and I should just take a step back and either work it out or let him be free. Or am I being slightly legit about my future worries and I should ask him to work it out with me, or let him do his own thing. Too many options. Not enough time, emotional strength or general life left in me.

What am I going to do? Where am I going to go? Where does Charlie fit into all this, or rather, do I even fit into Charlie’s life anymore? I am often left doubting that.

Im sad. All the time. And I dont even want to try anymore. I really, really dont. 

Charlie and I spent our morning daydreaming about the perfect jobs, lifestyles, and ideal futures. For me, I want a nice car, a decent house and a good job - all while traveling the globe. But it seems that might be impossible! We also talked about bucket lists and the things we want to do before we die, and although that sounds so melancholy, it actually makes my travel and experiences more legitimate.

As a traveller, I am often looked down upon when applying for jobs that are not strictly posted for the backpacking population. It is for that exact reason that I sometimes feel like less of an adult than some of my peers. I mean, look at my best friend Daina. She earns great money as an Engineer at a very successful gas & utilities company. Daina has owned a car since she was legal to drive, and most recently, she has moved into her brand spanking new condo. Only six months after finishing her studies, might I add. 

How can I compare myself to such an accomplished young adult? I can’t! And before any of you go saying that I am a lazy degenerate, with generation Y syndrome, and we just don’t know the value of hard work, dedication and we want to find a job we LOVE… I am not. I have never been fired, let go or even written up or yelled at. My job has always meant a lot to me, and I have worked very hard for the references I have received. I do believe the difference between Daina and I, lies solely in how we choose to spend our money.

Don’t get me wrong, I am dying to earn more money in order to buy a new car. But in my mind, and my heart, I know that if I never travel to another continent again, I will die extremely unhappy. Which I think, in turn, legitimizes my poor resume and terrible income. 

Regardless of all of that, I think travel is how I have learned a lot of my skills. I am literally a bajillion times better at managing my money than I was a year and a half ago. Also, I think I place value on relationships I have with people a lot more. When I left, I didn’t even think about my grandparents, aunts or uncles. I just left! Even though some of those people have been truly great to me in my lifetime. Travel taught me that. 

Travel teaches you things that mean much more than language or geography. 

And for that, I am grateful. 

I must confess, I am a hopeless romantic. I want love letters, flowers and dinner on a veranda by candlelight. Relationships need to be more than just watching TV together. I’d even settle for a hand picked dandelion and McDonalds in the park, I just wish there was something more to what is. Honestly, what I really, truly want, is to be thought about. When you make a decision, I want how our relationship is affected to be the first thing you think of. That no decision that tears us apart is a good decision.

Parks & McDonalds all over the world are calling us to spend time in them, why can’t you hear them? I’m not blaming you, maybe I’m blaming me, for making myself seem happy with just this. But I’m not. I want you, and life, and to go out and be free. I want to be wistful and adventurous - with you. 

I can’t wait for you forever. Empty threats are all I have.